There have been several thoughts bouncing around in my brain for weeks now.  Thoughts I have wondered out loud but mostly kept to myself. 

If you are ready for your head to spin a bit then come along down the rabbit hole.  Please know that like Alice, I do not fully understand all that I am saying and don’t pretend to understand what sometimes in this life feels like a dream–and at other times feels like a nightmare.  This is my very reason for my writing…

Monday night several friends hosted a wonderful “bon voyage” fund raising party for our family.  It was a night I will never forget–with a farm full of people that we love…lots of laughter, hay rides, food, and fun.  All weekend long Monday nights’ weather forecast was calling for RAIN.  All weekend long I refused to look at the reports.  It was a rain or shine event but there were not indoor accommodations so it would have really effected our guest list (never mind the over all mood) had there been showers or a downpour.  As of 12pm–Chris mentioned that it was calling for rain at 4pm.  (The start time of the party.)   One of the hosts came to help with my kids around 1:30pm and said, “it smells like rain.”   The rest of the day is history.  NO RAIN.   As a matter of fact there was not a cloud in the sky! 

At some point I wanted to stop and say, “has ANYONE noticed there has been NO RAIN today?”  My team of friends who hosted noticed.  They had been praying along with me…they knew what Greg Ficshel was saying.  At some point I had emailed our tribe of folks who pray for us and for our adoption, I shared with them the weather report and asked them to pray.  My faith exponentially increased after that evening.  It was amazing to see God come through in such a specific way. 

Often after something like this happens the natural response is:  “God is SO good.”  And he is…but would he have still been good if there was a torrential down pour?  Um…yes.  So this is where I start to get tangled up.

I believe that God wants us to pray specific prayers about specific things.  I believe that He wants us to have faith that He has the power to change the weather…or any circumstance for that matter.  Like big bold prayers of healing for family members or friends who are sick.   When our friend is healed–when they miraculously become cancer free we are sealed in our faith and quick to remind others to pray boldly and more specifically–to believe that miracles do happen.  But the crazy hard question is:  what happens when the friend dies?  Often our faith can become fractured.  Confused.  Isn’t God able…then why doesn’t He?   I know because I have faltered in my faith over this very type of pain. 

I realized recently in my prayer life that I desire to pray big bold prayers…but even subconsciously I hesitate.  I hate to ask God something that is out of his “will” or ask “too much” because ultimately I have decided I am going to follow and love him no matter the outcome.  (Like Peter I ask: “to whom shall I go?”)  But to me–it seems a tad safer to state my request with a BIG open-ended understanding that no matter what–I trust His answer–which may be very different than what I asked.  So I’ve notice that I lean toward the less-specific…it creates far less opportunity for my hopes to be dashed–and I have to do very little PR for God if he doesn’t “come through” the way I want or need him to.

But here’s the thing.  God doesn’t need me to do His PR.   Rain or shine it’s not my job to explain the circumstances away.  And less than 12 hours after our amazing sun-filled festivities ended–we received an email explaining that our court case had been pulled from the docket.  Youch.  Not forever…and not because of any details of the case–but because the judges are shifting and new judges are taking over jurisdictions.  (This is more complicated than I care to explain in this blog.)   Having said this we have tickets and are prepared to leave next Wednesday for UG.  What happens next is my choice.  Do I get really angry and bitter?  Do I get depressed or start to question and doubt that this is supposed to happen?  Do I go to worst case scenario?  Or do I pray big miracle prayers that somehow they sort through the details and we are still given a case close to our original date?  Do I pray that our flight can stay the same–saving us money on cancellation fees–AND we get to meet our children sooner?  Or do I listen to the words–“long court delays, slim chance” and other reports that are being given?   In other words–do I watch the weather report and worry–or do I pray and wait for sun?  Whew.  This another level of faith for me. 

I am continuing to pack.  I am continuing to pray.  I am continuing to hope that somehow–a miracle within the courts will occur and we will keep our appointments.   Instead of wanting to get in to God’s head and figure it all out–what it means that it was cancelled–what it means if it is not rescheduled in time… I am going to pray in faith for sunshine.  I am going to pray for a NEW court date…with the same judge…SOON.  A friend keeps reminding me that God is in the details…so I am going to pray specific detailed prayers and would love for you to join me. 

If it rains–it rains.  If we don’t go to court for 2 more months–then we don’t.  God is still good. 

A friend of mine who has traversed some deep waters in her young life inspires me often.  Her caringbridge entries are worth reading from beginning to end.  This specific entry is extremely inspiring as she asks/answers matters of the heart and speaks of how to live in the pain or disappointment of this world. 

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/mikesweeney/journal/4/0

If you are still with me–thanks for letting me write–it truly is a place of healing and respite. 

We welcome your prayers…they are sustaining us and we feel them.

May You Be a Blessing and May You Be Blessed,

Jenni