A few nights ago we shared dinner with family friends who are in UG for a short time. They are familiar with the details of our story and just as I started to take my first bite of chapati, my friend turned to me and asked, “I am not fully sure what this means, but do you feel like are existing in purgatory?”
Dr. Suess speaks to me. All his alliteration and rhyming words settle deep in my soul.
You know today was a bit tougher than I had anticipated. Chris is leaving to go be with my bro and sis in law and then on to see his dad for Thanksgiving. Though we have wonderful plans and at this moment I can hear the children singing a song they plan to perform tomorrow for their Thanksgiving play…it is still hard to be away from my hubby. I have cried a few tears today and cried out to God in understanding…but also disappointment.
Silence. True silence can be deafening.
In the midst of the year 2013, which I am now lovingly referring to as my season of obscurity…Silence has been my guide.
That pretty much sums it up. “Unknown, inconspicuous, difficult to understand.”
I write (publicly) when I am inspired. I write daily out of necessity; as a part of my personal therapy.
Today I realized that if there are precious people who have somehow stumbled upon my words but do not know me incredibly well or live far away–you might not know of the circumstances of my silence. (And have probably wondered why I have appeared to stop writing.)
January 2013 unfolds as follows: unexpected death of dear family friend leads to unexpected trip to Indiana, which then is immediately followed by family vacation, followed by personal illness, followed by work, followed by more illness, followed by some life altering changes in vocation and long term family plan (I am not pregnant), followed by more illness, followed by a trip to the dentist where he informed me that my dental scans indicted I was stressed. Duh. (And how humiliating!) Followed by more soul-searching, trips to my therapist, a solitude retreat, and foot surgery. All wrapping up my year so far as officially a season of OBSCURITY.
At first, being a closet introvert, I found myself embracing the quiet, listening, being still and soaking in truth. I found myself enjoying 3 of my favorite indoor sports: reading, writing, and knitting! The slowness and silence also provided a lot of loud lessons that I had previously been drowning out in the busyness and chaos of my daily life. Awesome.
Here I am mid-April…the lessons that I am learning and the old chains that are breaking are welcomed though extremely painful. The quiet is sometimes too revealing…I am internalizing much and processing and changing as best I can. At times the pace is not fast enough. At times I wonder if I am truly surrendering to the process?
I share all of this with great humility. I am seeking direction from the ultimate Voice in my life who has never steered me wrong and I am prayerfully listening. The Voice becomes loudest in the presence of Silence.
At times I have been angry–the life changes were not in my 5 or 10 year plan. At times I have been hopeful–knowing that I want to do nothing apart from Him. At times my eyes have been opened so wide to my issues that I have wanted to squeeze them shut and pretend that I didn’t see truth. But here’s the thing: Truth pushes me to change. And change is my favorite. I never want to stay the same.
Silence is forcing change. Therefore I have concluded, Silence is my friend.
Silence can be your friend too. Sometimes she barges in uninvited, other times she is illusive and a little shy. Invite her over…she will change your life too.
Oh and thank you to my friend Jeff (http://goinswriter.com/) who in my season of obscurity has encouraged me to never stop writing.
May You Be Silent and May You Be Blessed!