How is it possible for a season to evoke so many different emotions? There is the mystery and wonder filled with sights and sounds. Tiny white lights and familiar Christmas Carols. Our senses are elevated by peppermint and pine. But for many, it is not always falalalala and festive this time of year. It’s more of a mixed bag.

Many are experiencing a holiday without a loved one for the first time. Loss and grief are highlighted throughout this season. Love (familial or romantic) appears to be on display–and therefore there is a constant reminder of love that is missing within our own lives. Dysfunctional families still expect Christmas plans to unfold per usual. So unless you plan on inoculating babies in Burma this Christmas*…you find yourself dancing with drama despite your best efforts to avoid these types of shenanigans. You play your part…you may even pretend. I heard recently of a family member’s husband who was so difficult to be around that the mother hosting Christmas gave a fake Oscar to the person in the family who acted the kindest to Mr. Miserable. I am one who is extremely passionate about spreading kindness in the world…sometimes bringing it to our holiday dinner tables or family dysfunction can be the most difficult.

I don’t have the answers to any of these holiday doldrums…I guess I felt like I needed to say they are normal. Life is full of disappointments and heartache and instead of being surprised by this we should expect it. (Wow, Jenni such an uplifting Christmas blog!?!?) I know, but honestly; truth takes the sting away–and shepherds in a more awe-filled wonder when we encounter a tender touch from a child…or an unexpected act of kindness. (I literally blinked back tears of shock in the Starbucks line when I was told the person in front of me had paid for my order.) God’s (hurting) kids are living and loving–being the hands and feet that He tells us we were designed to be–and therein lies the Miracle.

The window of my soul cracks a little bit wider this time of year…and my heart softens to a world that will one day be calm and bright. My fullest understanding of the here and now is that we live honestly with as much love and kindness that we can muster. And when we can’t muster any more we pray for a spiritual fruit basket full of things like love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control.**

My holidays are a mixed bag. We have three delightful children with whom who will make magical memories and celebrate simply. There are two in Uganda I long to share this holiday with but cannot. We will remember and miss Chris’ mom and her German Christmas traditions. There are certain family dynamics that will quite honestly be excruciating. And we will end the day with wonderful capers involving candy, popcorn, and insane Christmas light adventures with friends that feel like family. On these adventures we will laugh until we cry. This is mine. You have your mixed bag too. The characters are different but the joy and the pain are the same.

The Christmas miracle this season may be to find the grace to embrace the joy and the pain this season illuminates. To recognize the pain is magnified but so is the mystery. And most importantly this holiday celebrates the good news: a birthday celebration for Emmanuel…God with us. Doing any of this  alone and on our own leaves us exhausted and angry…but remembering there was a Love who entered the world–not to eliminate the pain but to walk with us through it–provides a mystery and miracle beyond comprehension.

So from one who desires to embrace the mess, mystery and miracle of this season…to another…Merry Christmas!

(*Four Christmases)

(**Galatians 5:22-23)