Author: Jenni at 100 Cups of Coffee

Out of the Sweatpants Phase

~ Jenni at 100 Cups of Coffee ~ 1 Comment

I was about a decade behind on the Friends phenomenon that took over the western world. As a Young Life leader I spent every Thursday night with my Apex High School friends. Friends was pre-DVR, therefore I never got in on the witty banter and coffeehouse camaraderie until I started having babies. As a mom with 3 itty bittys I found myself looking for a 20 minute mental break. Friends was the perfect past time. To this day, I quote Friends in any and all relevant life circumstances. Last week I wrote my Friends’ friends to enthusiastically alert them I was out of the sweat pants phase!  For those of you who know of Chandler’s post break up depression, you know it is a very real phase that one must go through. After taking a much needed time out this past weekend–Chris said, “Jenni, you’ve done some real good thinkin.” (This was Joey’s response to Chandler being banned to a box for 6 hours.)

Chris was right though, I have done some “real good thinkin” over the past few days…over the past month even. My head and heart are less hazy, angry and dark. Colors appear brighter, my heart feels lighter, and I am far more hopeful about the future. Ask me to bust in to out a few lines of, “It is Well with My Soul,” and we might have to put a pin in it…but I am certain I could hum a bar or two.

What has made the difference?

Sticky note reminders: I received two notes within the past week from old Young Life friends. They are two very different young women with two very different stories. Each shared how my faith and friendship made some small difference in their world. One friend went as far as to scan a letter I had penned 16 years ago reminding her—no matter how hard and painful life becomes–there is a God who loves her. She was now (unintentionally) throwing my words back at me. I wondered…did I really mean what I wrote? Did I have any idea how hard or ugly life circumstances could get? I think somewhere deep inside I did, but we all need reminders.

The prayers of My People are legit. Sometimes things can only be moved forward through prayer. No doubt in my stuck, stubbornness it is the prayers of the saints (aka: my busted, broken, but wonderful friends) that have moved things down the field. You know who you are…for real…thanks.

Books (the Book and the mentors I mentioned earlier) are speaking loudly to me. One author, who speaks about God in ways I hardly thought possible without a lightening bolt to the forehead; likened his experience of silence from God to a door that had been bolted and double locked on the inside. His questions were so cutting and cold that it made my doubts look and feel lamb-like. I needed an advocate, giving permission to ask the hard questions–instead of stuffing it or falling off the faith cliff.

During my time of “real good thinkin” I found Lewis’ words especially interesting,

“When I lay these questions before God I get no answer. But rather a special sort of ‘No answer.’ It is not the locked door. It is more like a silent, certainly not uncompassionate, gaze. As though He shook His head not in refusal but waiving the question. Like, ‘Peace, child; you don’t understand.’ 

Can a mortal ask questions which God finds unanswerable? Quite easily, I should think. All nonsense questions are unanswerable. How many hours are there in a mile? Is yellow square or round? Probably half the questions we ask–half our great theological and metaphysical problems–are like that.”  C.S.Lewis  A Grief Observed

No amount of thinking will fully get my heart unstuck. Yellow is not square nor round. The circumstances surrounding our story this side of heaven won’t likely make sense.

The silence has broken and recently messages of His presence in my life and in the lives of those I love are emerging.

The gap between my heart and God’s had become tremendous. I am certain He remained close–but for me–it felt like there were oceans between us. The healing over the past few days and weeks has been nothing short of miraculous. It is not a coincidence that God re-routed us to the beach for the past month. My most spiritual moments unfold at sea. I began to compile my mental notes and messages. Writing has always been therapy for me. While kicking and screaming…I have been writing. While praying and reading…I have been writing. I have placed some of these words in to a mini memoir of sorts. I am going to put it in to ebook form to share with you. It will be my gift of gratitude for your willingness to stick with our story, for following our epic adventure, even when it didn’t end awesome–and for putting up with my many tantrums along the way.

In the sweatpants phase on Friends you do a lot of moping, crying and eating of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream. If you are me, you roll your eyes a lot. You scowl, and kick things. You question what went wrong. Staying stuck in this phase leaves you fat, angry, and not super fun to be around. I am thrilled to have shed the sweatpants and moved on to the next phase.

I don’t know what this next phase has in store but I am pretty sure it entails attempting to live life palms up:

Palms up means you have nothing to hide and nothing to gain or lose. Palms up means you are strong enough to be vulnerable, even with your enemies. Even when you have been tremendously wronged.  Bob Goff

Sweatpants are off.

Bring on the next phase.

Palms up.

 

May You Be a Blessing and May You Be Blessed,

Jenni

 

 

 

 

I Need a Time Out

~ Jenni at 100 Cups of Coffee ~ 3 Comments

This weekend I made the intentional (and what many would say extremely selfish) decision to not go away with my family to one of the most magical places on earth. I intentionally decided to hang back, to be alone. Because I simply could not go.

Actually I could go…but I really didn’t want to.

(Insert Jim Gaffigan’s voice here) How can she do that?  How can she be so selfish to miss out on Family Camp at Windy Gap?  She will miss out on the horse rides, ropes course, music, skits and games. Won’t her husband the be Lone Ranger in the hoe down?  (Louder and more high pitched:) Doesn’t she know her kids NEED her? Doesn’t she know her children live for this weekend each year? Shouldn’t she choose another weekend to be so selfish?  Why? Why would you not go with your family to family camp this weekend? Why?

Because I need a time out.

Did you ever put your kid in time out because you needed one? Who knows what might have happened if you hadn’t put him in time out? A few minutes more without the time out and the neighbors would be bringing social services to your front door?

What appeared to be punishment for the child was actually for their protection.

(No? Just me then.)

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And Round and Round We Go

~ Jenni at 100 Cups of Coffee ~ 7 Comments

That is me…going round and round and round. Flying, suspended, arms and legs dangling, really not sure when or where she will land. Daring to ask God the difficult questions. There is no way to “church up” this blog.

Reader caution advised: If you are uncomfortable with questioning the Christian status quo or with God being placed in the line of fire…just. stop. reading.

Why all the rants lately? Take it down a notch. Boy, she’s really got a bee in her bonnet.

My italicized words in my blog are often delivered in my head in the voice of Jim Gaffigan.  Actually not Jim…but Jim’s high pitched disapproving voice of someone questioning the bizarre things he comments on like cake or hot pockets. Feel free to read from here forward in this way. My blog will be funnier and surprisingly, make more sense.    .

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Crisis of Faith…Are you there God? It’s Me Jenni.

~ Jenni at 100 Cups of Coffee ~ 6 Comments

I woke up at sunrise.  While it was still quiet, with coffee in hand,  I slipped out onto the deck of a friend’s beach home.  I have set aside this time each morning for the past 20 years.  It has become habit.  The sound of the raging waves was intoxicating.  Rhythmic.  The beach, the ocean IS my happy place.

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I sat and looked out over the the depths.  So vast.  All emcompassing.

I searched the waves (as I always do) looking for something.  I am always looking for dolphins.  They inhabit my happy place and bring more happy.

This morning I search, certain to see nothing, just as in my heart I feel nothing.

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Not My Plan

~ Jenni at 100 Cups of Coffee ~ 1 Comment

You know me.  I like real, raw, and relatable.  I feel like I have lived life in a state of “not really plan” for the past few years…so I get it.  Rechaud Bell is a family friend, an awesome father and creative blogger.  It is my privilege to share a few of this gifted guy’s words with you…

Rechaud blog

Really, when I’m honest with myself, Papa God never runs His plans by me for approval. So when He arrested my heart in 2013, I should’ve known that fostering was going to be hard, but mostly due to my own brokenness.

My wife runs a non-profit that helps foster children, one evening she told me about a young lady who she knew who came in the office that day. As she shared, I knew this was more than an informational story. Papa God’s love was compelling her to act beyond the scope of her job.

At that time, our kids were all under the age of five. We always thought that once our kids were older, we would adopt or foster. But that wasn’t Papa God’s plan. My wife wanted to know what I thought about the possibility of us bringing her into our family. Without any hesitation, I agreed that we should.

The following Saturday, I met our forever daughter for the first time. With so much tragedy in her young life, it was understandable that she came across quiet, distant and uninterested.

I assumed this 17 year-old wanted freedom, independence and a big brother instead of a father. So I was surprised and uncomfortable when she began calling us Mother and Daddy in the very early days. My wife and I thought maybe it was a cultural way of showing respect.

After a few weeks, we finally got up the nerve to let her know that we weren’t expecting her to call us Mother and Daddy. She wasn’t comfortable with expressing herself, but that Saturday afternoon her body language did all the talking. We could tell by the lowering of her eyes, the drooping of her shoulders and the wringing of her hands, that we had it all wrong.

She wasn’t calling us Mother and Daddy to appease us. She was calling us what she so desperately wanted. Instantly, we told her that we would be glad to be called Mother and Daddy.

My wife in this season provided a wonderful example of what love does. She would pour into our forever daughter love, words of encouragement and life stories. There wasn’t this amazing “ah ha” moment or even an acknowledgement that the words were being heard. To say the least, it was hard but my bride persevered with love.

As for me, I had a list of excuses to justify why I wasn’t connecting with her.

She was raised in a different culture than me.

She had different values than me.

She didn’t have much in common with me.

She wasn’t good at expressing her thoughts and feelings.

She had a hard time asking for help.

Then one day, the Lord used my same reasons to show me why I should’ve been disqualified from receiving His love. (Romans 5:8)

I was raised in a different culture than Papa God.

I had different values than Papa God.

I didn’t have much in common with Papa God.

I wasn’t good at expressing my thoughts and feelings.

I was too prideful and stubborn to ask for help.

The intentions of my heart were exposed and I was broken by my own ugliness. I’m embarrassed to admit that my excuses made me think I was somehow better than her. That she should feel honored that we invited her into our family. I loved to tell people how we opened up our home. If I was honest, I treasured the respect and admiration I received from others more than nurturing the heart of our forever daughter. I was a hypocrite and I was wrong for behaving that way. Nevertheless, Papa God didn’t leave me there. He gave me hope by reminding me of all He’s done for me.

He loved me in spite of those differences.

He sent His Son here on a mission to bring me home.

He now calls me His son.

He wants me to share His love with others.

His kindness led me to repentance (Romans 2:4). He helped me love and accept our forever daughter, like He did me. My heart began to turn. Instead of seeing her as a stranger living in our house, I was able to see her as a beautiful young woman who needs love, purpose, and family just like everyone else, including me. Now I see that His plan was better. And I am honored to call her my daughter, forever.

rechaud and familyRechaud Bell

Rechaud lives in Orlando, FL and is married to his best friend Betsey.  Rechaud is self-employed and raising his kids full time.  If you would like to learn more about this gifted guy you can check out his blog here.

 

 

 

 

 

The Rainy Season Brings the Cockerham’s Home Home

~ Jenni at 100 Cups of Coffee ~ Leave a comment

It’s been 6 weeks of no rain.  Not even a sprinkle.  The dry season is dusty, hot and ever so dry.  This makes for gorgeous sunrises and sunsets.  It creates a perfect place for children to play uninhibited by the elements.  You don’t realize you miss the rain until it hits.

Tonight it showered in sheets.  The slow rhythm became louder and it pounded hard and fast for over an hour.  What it brought was refreshingly unexpected.  It brought a soft wind and delicious breeze.  The nights have been hot…the kind where your clothes stick as you lay in bed twisting and turning hot.  But you forget how extreme the heat is until you feel the breeze.  You forget how you much you needed the cool air to touch your skin.  A sigh of relief escapes your lips unconsciously.

We have lived a wonderfully tragic year and a half in Uganda.  We have experienced our highest of highs knowing and loving Caroline and Jonathan as our own, living and serving at Restoration Gateway and loving the community here.  Life-altering highs.  We have also experienced the lowest of lows, losing those children as our own, battling severe malaria, and being away from our loved ones across the ocean at critical grieving moments.

The weather currently has been the hottest we have known in Uganda.  The pressure from the heat is almost forgotten until you feel the coolness of the breeze touch your skin.

As we prepare to forge ahead toward America, a cool breeze has crossed my face.  Our love for the people and this place run deep.   Yet our longing for loved ones, and a whisper from Him pull us back across the ocean.  Growing awareness for the extent of the fever we have experienced takes hold.  A refreshing wind has begun to blow over our Ugandan home as we make preparations to fly home home.

The heat and the beauty that follows from 6 weeks of sun.  Grace.  The powerful rain that brings the much needed cool breeze.  Grace.  A life-altering journey, trusting, twisting and tumbling all over Uganda. Grace.  A trip home home in a few days.  Grace.

May You Be a Blessing and May You Be Blessed,

Jenni

 

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What Google Taught Me about Family

~ Jenni at 100 Cups of Coffee ~ Leave a comment

Kudos to Patrick Pichette, for his memorable memoir announcing his retirement as Google’s CFO.  It is worth reading his words in their entirety for a full understanding of his sentiment.   His plans to travel the world with his wife are quite poetic.

One response from a reader to this post struck me and caused me to question our mindset concerning work/home balance:  “Beautiful, if only more could be at a point in their lives to afford to do this.”

Pause.  Deep breath.

I’m sorry…how can we afford not to?

And backing it up, respectfully, Mr. Pichette, “shouldn’t we start sooner?”   What are we piling up our dollars for?  Is life to the full simply a trip experienced around the world with our wife?

The middle of the night feedings and soft squishy infant moments are just that: a fleeting moment.  The toddling days move faster than one thinks; when learning words and how to crawl are not as slow as we had once thought.  The school age years seem lightening fast and if we miss practices, ball games and recitals…they slip through our fingers never to be touched again.  Cheerios, carseats, and learning to ride a bike are such short seasons.  Seasons that can never be re-created.

Never mind our marriages…the ones we neglect or accept or “power through” as oppossed to cherish and cultivate.  Many many marriages crumble and break when the children are gone.  The work and flurry of activities that once filled our days left no room to live and connect intentionally.   Seeking to intimately know one another was not a priority.

So many of us find significance in the workplace and our work gives us great joy if done well.  Yet, when the workplace replaces our home life and becomes our life, disaster can hit.  No amount of money will bring about lasting childhood memories with mom and dad.  No amount of money will make a more solid marriage than one founded on intentional time together.  I spoke about this couple recently and their commitment to walking daily together.  They did not go on exotic vacations or travel around the world.  They lived frugally and simply and yet they have 41 years of a solid marriage foundation.

Kudos to Mr. Pichette for recognizing a fundamental need in his life and highlighting all marriages and the family by presenting it publicly.  I pray we would sit up and take notice.  I pray we would learn from his words because it is not cute when your children are asked about the longevity of your marriage and their response is, in essence, our parents over the past 25 years, “have spent so little time together that ‘it’s really too early to tell’ if the marriage will in fact succeed.'”  Not cute.  Sad.  In my humble opinion, no job, even if it is CFO of Google is worth having an absent parent, or an absent husband/wife.  Life to the full does not start on a trip around the world…it starts today…in the messy little events of daily life.  Do not over value the things that will leave you wanting.   No job is worth losing the intangibles you can never get back.

Don’t get me wrong I love Google as much as the next person…I have an account and use it daily!  I just couldn’t help but highlight Mr. Pichette’s story, his refreshing honesty brings about helpful conversation for us all.

May You Be a Blessing and May You Be Blessed,

Jenni

One Thing You Could Do Daily to Preserve Your Marriage

~ Jenni at 100 Cups of Coffee ~ 1 Comment

I grew up in a small town in Indiana where cornfields cover much of the landscape.  Crickets and fireflies start their serenade around 7pm and the rest of the town goes to bed shortly there after.  I lived in a tight knit community where everybody knew everybody.  Some families were so close they were like family.  Carrie’s family was like family.   Though I don’t remember being spanked by Carrie’s mom, I am sure she had permission to do so…it was that kind of family friendship.

One of my favorite childhood memories was sleeping over at Carrie’s house on Friday nights.  Carrie’s dad was a police officer and on Saturday mornings he would heroically deliver Burger King egg and cheese croissants to the breakfast table.  (It must have been some sort of benefit Burger King gave police officers in our area–think doughnuts in croissant form.  Either way, I was thrilled to be a beneficiarcy.)   I still get nostalgic thinking about biting in to a buttery croissant while listening to Carrie’s dad dish the police events from the night before.   In high school Bob would tell saucy stories of tipsy sorority sisters, or frat brothers getting a little too mouthy.   Carolyn (Carrie’s mom) would pipe in at times with an, “Oh BOB!” if things seemed a bit past the PG-13 mark.  I treasured Saturday mornings at their house…but it wasn’t my strongest memory of this couple.

Creatures of habit…hence the BK breakfast every Saturday…Carolyn and Bob  had an unmissable morning ritual.    Religiously the couple would roll out of bed and walk 5 miles every day.  Rain, shine, snow…it was all the same.   Day in and day out the duo pounded the flat pavement.  Five miles every day.

Chris and I have been given the unique opportunity to live on a 600 acre property with neighbors a few steps away as well as 24/7 security.  This has afforded us the opportunity to leave our kids each morning to go on a 2 mile walk.   Our energetic lab puppy was the main catalyst for this decision, but it has proven very healthy for our hearts and our marriage.   Somehow moving through the dusty red roads each morning has given a rhythm to our day.   The conversation allows us to connect on a deeper level before the rest of the world invades our space.  We sometimes walk in silence, sometimes our conversations pull from something residual the day before.  Small irritations surface, and a disagreement will follow.  I am so thankful for these impromptu disputes as I am certain those irritations would be stuffed and buried beneath the hustle and bustle of daily life…till one day they emerge a mountain of discontent.  The words shared on our walks can be deep and weighty, and other times simply lay out the schedule for the day.    I am realizing how very much I cherish this time.  It is making a life-long investment in our marriage.    There is something about physically moving our bodies and pounding out the issues of the heart that is quite sacred.

As a child, I don’t know if I thought Carolyn and Bob were a bit crazy to walk 5 miles in the freezing cold, or if I was really neutral to the whole thing?   They never made a big deal about their walks…they just did it.  Looking back, I can tell it was good for their hearts physically but maritally it was a brilliant investment.   Their devotion made a mark on me. I admire their discipline and commitment to one another, and 41 married years later, they are still walking.

I know some couples talk quietly over a cup of coffee in the morning.  Others enjoy “couch time” where mom and dad sit uninterrupted for 20 minutes to discuss the day…kid free.   Still others sneak away for a lunch break.   What would it look like in your world to pull together daily to connect with your spouse?  There is no magic bullet for life long marital bliss…but this is a great starting point.

As this week marks our 16th wedding anniversary, I realize more than ever this kind of spousal connection is crucial for continued health in our marriage.  Marriage is not easy…it takes work.  I want to be remembered by my children and my children’s friends for many things…but I sure wouldn’t be disappointed if Chris and I were remembered as the crazy couple who walked together every morning.

In appreciation of…

Bob and Carolyn Vogel.  Grateful for your example and for living out the little things that make a big impression.

Chris for 16 sweet years of walking this journey with me.

May You Be a Blessing and May You Be Blessed,

Jenni

 

Writing the Book I Needed 17 Years Ago

~ Jenni at 100 Cups of Coffee ~ 1 Comment

Shortly after my mom found a note on the table saying my dad was leaving after 20+ years of marriage,  I remember making my way to one of my favorite places on the planet.  A bookstore.   Books are my friends, my teachers.  I remember thinking that stormy night, “if only I can find some words of wisdom and comfort during this time; then I might be able to gain my footing.”

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